When I first adopted my dog Britney, she had heartworms as well as severe separation anxiety. When a dog is being treated for heartworms, the owner has to try to keep the dog’s activity to a minimum in order to not raise the dog’s heart rate because if the dog’s heart rate is too elevated, a dead worm could be thrown into the dog’s bloodstream causing a pulmonary embolism or other severe health problems. The problem with Britney was that she would freak out when she could not be with me. I called Britney my little shadow because she followed me everywhere I would go and always had to be right next to me. And if I tried to make her sleep anywhere but in my bed cuddled up against my body, she would start crying and howling. I was worried that Britney’s reaction was elevating her heart rate to dangerous levels, so I decided to cradle Britney in my arms and cuddle her to sleep every night.

Fortunately Britney made it through the heartworm treatment successfully and made a full recovery. Nevertheless, she continued having severe separation anxiety and because I could not stand to see my sweet baby upset, I continued cuddling Britney to sleep every night, sacrificing my own good sleep, months after her recovery from heartworms. After some prodding from friends who thought Britney was overly dependent on me, I decided it was time to work on Britney’s separation anxiety and specifically to get Britney sleeping on her own outside of my room. I first attempted the cold turkey approach, just shutting Britney out of my room one night. Britney cried and scratched at my door relentlessly for hours – at 3:00 a.m. I finally gave in and allowed her back into my room. This was not going to be easy. I ended up working with an animal behavior therapist who developed a plan to gradually reduce Britney’s dependence on me. Initially, Britney and I practiced exercises where I would go into another room for five minutes and Britney would receive a treat if she waited for me to return without crying or scratching at the door. It took several months, and there were a few more sleepless nights, but eventually Britney was able to sleep outside my bedroom. Although she still loves to spend time with me, Britney is now okay if she can’t be in the same room with me and sometimes even voluntarily goes off on her own to play with toys or cuddle in her bed.

I think it was so hard for me to force Britney to be independent because I know what it feels like to be terrified in the middle of the night and want the comfort of a trusted person. When I was young, I had terrible, reoccurring nightmares and I would often wake up several times during the night. I would yell for my daddy and he would always come to comfort me. Sometimes he’d let me sleep in his bed and other times he would sit with me until I fell back asleep. This one aspect of our relationship is the perfect allegory to illustrate my bond with my father. I experienced some nightmare-like hardships during my childhood including having a heart condition, my mother’s illness, abusive family members and my parents’ never ending financial struggles. My dad at times seemed like my only source of comfort with all of the craziness surrounding me. And my dad had such a gift of faith. He always encouraged me not to worry and to trust in God. I half-heartedly wished that I could have my dad’s gift of faith, but I think for many years subconsciously I relied on his faith and his ability to comfort me instead of trying to learn to really place my trust in God.

When my dad died I felt like I was Britney –  kicked out of the bedroom and crying and scratching at the door, wanting desperately to be let back in. My source of calm and comfort was ripped away from me. I had struggled with anxiety before, but now I was having panic attacks unlike anything I had ever experienced before. I even started sleeping with my bedroom light on – I was like a little girl afraid of the dark again. Although I knew my dad could not come back to life, I pleaded with God to somehow make things as they were before my dad died – that the anxiety would just go away and I would feel my dad’s comfort and calming presence. I was very disappointed initially when God did not answer my prayers the way I wanted.

As the months went by, however, I slowly started to understand that it was time for me to be independent from my dad and to develop my own gift of faith. I heard a homily where the priest explained that when a loved one who had particular spiritual gifts passes away, you can ask God to give you a double portion of that person’s spirit (as Elisha did with Elijah in the Old Testament). Inspired by the priest’s message, instead of saying that to myself that I would never have my dad’s faith, I began asking God to give me an even greater gift of faith than my dad had, as well as doing other things to develop my faith such as read the Bible and pray. It did not happen over night (and I’m still working on developing this gift) but I know that my trust in God is so much stronger. I will always miss my dad, but now I understand how God used his death to force me to develop my own gift of faith and in turn be able to reach out directly to God as my source of comfort. And my dad, being a good immigrant father, always wanted me to do and have everything bigger and better than him. I’m sure it broke God’s heart to see me anxious and grieving over my dad, but as a good Father, God had to push me out of my comfort zone so I could grow, just as I had to do with Britney.

Recently I went on a retreat to help people identify their spiritual gifts. I circled a few words on a list, identifying what I thought were my spiritual gifts. I showed the list to my boyfriend Marek, and he responded, “I agree with all of those but I think your biggest spiritual gift is this one,” and he pointed to the word “Faith.” I was shocked and at the same time so touched – I hadn’t even thought to circle faith. Another one of my friends confirmed that she could see a gift of faith in me. I thought that faith was dad’s forte (certainly not mine), but now the gift is not only there, but others can see it in me.

A few weeks ago there was a terrible thunderstorm in the middle of night. Britney is scared of storms and usually likes to cuddle up with me if there is bad thunder. When I woke up in the morning, I was shocked that Britney had not come up to my room once to try to try to come in due to the storm – this would have been unthinkable four years ago. I gave her a lot of praise in the morning for being such a brave girl and she seemed to understand she had done well. If I had never pushed her out of my bedroom, she would have never developed her independence and had this moment of courage. I see through Britney’s example how God used my dad’s death to increase my faith and make me stronger.

^“I am reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also. For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you” (2 Timothy 1:5-6).